Told Jokes

The old cookoo master on the top of Mt. Qinshan told me this when I was eating sushi

“The first bite tastes like heaven, the second takes you there.”

😳

1st graders: ay yo girl I think you’re beautiful let’s get married!! 2nd graders: uhh don’t tell my mom that we’re dating!! She won’t let me date! Let’s keep this a seeeeecret heeheehee. 3rd graders: uh my teacher told me to stay after school because I wrote a poem about you and I’m 9 years old, we have to break up sweetie. 4th graders: hey I think you’re cute!! Wanna date? I don’t think my girlfriend will mind....... 5th graders(they start wearing makeup): ay girl your eyelashes are pretty I like you now, wanna date? Here’s my numberrrrrr. 6th graders: heyyyyy I gotta tell you a secret I got a crush on you!! Don’t tell anyone!! Byeee, ooh I’ll text you later! 7th graders: we need to make Peyton jealous because she broke up with you!! Wanna date? I mean, you’re not hot, but still, great personalityyyyy alright bye now 8th graders: hi sweetheart I got STARRRBUCKKKSSS Me: UGLY AF AND LITERALLY NO BOYFRIEND.....

During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval. I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah. Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.” My friend was the only one who laughed

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

So my ex who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though will has a better haircut then me but anyway when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat. Then I told her she has the wendys logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit I was done Anyways she cried lol

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him Arid

Get it? I read? no... ok.

kidnapper: hey kid, ur mom told me to follow me. orphan: but I don't have a mom

my wife found a rock and asked if it was exspenive and i said it leavarite she said is that exspensive and it told her leave it rite there

A man told his love interest she looked beautiful. And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him. And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny. Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.

One day johnny told his dad this girl in his class who liked him he thoe she was cute she sead aw your like candy he doesn't say any thing he sead why don't u think I am sweat like candy little Johnny say well some time I get a tooth ake and it hurt so I stop eating it like I stobed liking u

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

According to all known laws of aviation,

there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway

because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Ooming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

- Barry? - Adam?

- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.

Looking sharp.

Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.

Sorry. I'm excited.

Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.

A perfect report card, all B's.

Very proud.

Ma! I got a thing going here.

- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!

- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!

Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

After sleeping with her boyfriend for the first time, the lead singer of Blackbriar told her friend all about it: "I Zora Cock!"

A boy asked his dad for a some money to buy an ice-cream with. So he went to an icecream van. Whilst he was in the queue 2 boys asked him what flavour he was getting he told them strawberry. The two boys were shocked and beat him up. The icecream man felt bad and gave him his strawberry ice-cream for free. When he got home his dad also asked what flavour he bought the boy said strawberry. His dad then kicked him out of the house. The boy confused walked down the street and was stopped buy the police who were looking for a boy who had been eating strawberry ice-cream. The boy said thats me and the policeman arrested him. A week later in court the boy was on trial. The judge asked, ''can you tell me what were you doing on the fith of may''(the day he was arrested) the boy said I was eatimg ice-cream. Yhe judge decided he was innocent. On the way out the judge asked him what the flavour was (he had forgotten to ask during the trial). Of course he answered with strawberry the judge horrified realised he had given the wrong verdict and the boy should have been executed. Unfortunately he couldn't change what had happened so the boy walked out and crossed the road but was hit by a car and died. The moral of the story is look left and right before crossing the road