Told jokes

The teacher asks me what my favourite word is.

I said it but got told off and sent to the principal.

What is my favourite word?

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.

Today I saw my son lick out a tub of butter. I told him to make a sandwich without butter for a week (as a punishment). He said, "Okay," and licked the bread. "It's really easy to spread," he said. LOL!

I just had a birthday party last week at my crib. I invited two fine, beautiful looking women. One was skinny and her name was Kelly, and the other one was overweight and her name was Chiquita.

Both of them came by. I told Chiquita only Kelly can stay and enjoy my birthday. You can't, you're too fat and clumsy, and I don't have any food or drinks for you, so see ya later, nutty professor.

Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.

The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.

I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I met a talking lizard. The doctor told me he had ereptile dysfunction! 🦎

I was walking and I saw a girl crying, and she told me to take her dollhouse and I asked why. She said because I don't have one.

A big guy told the small guy, "Do you want a little pill because you look ill, or should I smash you?"

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

One day when I was driving around our children's school with my wife, she saw a speed bump. She told me to slow on it, and when I did, we heard a loud, long scream.

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

I told my friends that are gay that my hairline's straighter than he will ever be.

My mom told me she couldn't open the garage door. Then it opened up to me that it wasn't broke anymore.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.