My dad told me "No electronics at the table", so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
I told my therapist you are too fat and ugly to date grown men. Then she asked me, "You wanna give a judgemental reaction about that?" I said, "Okay, you smell rat pee on somebody's cock."
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.
My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.
A bully told an orphan to cry to his parents, so he did.
His adoptive parents were very supportive about the situation, and everything was settled. He died in an accident a day later.
I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.
Her pants were on fire.
My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.
She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
Teacher: "Hey, James, this is the third time I asked you a question!"
James: "But you told me not to answer you back!"
My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.
What's the most annoying thing in the world?
When you're told you're still qualified to live.
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
What's the funniest thing you ever read? For me it was when Rapboat told me he was a legit rapper.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.
So I told him he was on my cock.
(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)
I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.
I was at school with friends. One of my friends had hair in her armpits. The rest of my friends and I tried not to laugh or say anything, until one of my friends laughed and told her she had hair in her armpits, so she ran to her locker to get hair remover and went to one of the restroom stalls.
One time a girl was telling her boyfriend if she could have sex with him for just a little bit, and he said sure, so she just started having sex. She asked him if they could have a baby, but he said sure and started going hard. She told him she was joking, but he wouldn't get off. So she did the 69, and months later, she died, and he said he thinks he killed her with sex.
