Told jokes

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

I told a chemist a joke.

No reaction.

My bank loves me. They told me my credit card balance is outstanding.