Told jokes

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.

I was always told I’m too small to ride, but every girl I’ve been with rated me a 9.5.

I would have told you a cheesy pun, but it was too cheesy. *picks up cheeses*

A girl walks up to her friend with sunglasses she missed very much.

She told her, "Hey, long time no see."

Why did Shawn suddenly fly to Mount Everest, leaving behind friends, family, and food?

Someone told him that "Shelby"'s coming 'round the mountain.

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

Tombstone engraving: "I TOLD you I was sick!"

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you haven't told her twice.

A gay guy asked me for directions, so I told him to go straight.

When Jim was playing on his phone, my grandfather told him, "You use way too much technology!" Jim then said, "No, YOU use too much technology!" and then Jim disconnected his grandfather’s life support.

Stephen Hawking had pins and needles and got told to walk it off.

I saw Simba walking slowly.

I told him "Mufasa!"

My girlfriend asked me to tell a joke. I told her to look in the mirror.

We never met again.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

Some man was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.

A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.

He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.

When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.

It happened too fast, he watched the very last.

Next he died, eaten all fried.

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.