Told jokes

Little Natalie was playing with matches. Her mother caught her, took them, whupped her, and told her never to play with matches again.

A few minutes later, Little Natalie was playing with matches again. The curtains caught fire, and the house burned down.

Another few minutes later, when she and her mother were sitting at their neighbors', her mother told her: "If you think I gave you a whupping, wait till your father gets home!"

Little Natalie just cackled with delight because she knew her father had gotten home earlier and gone upstairs to take a nap.

Why did the bank robber shoot the man with no arms?

Because he told the man to put his hands up.

The doctor told me I was so retarded, I was required to ride two wheelchairs.

My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

I told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.

I told my doctor I was experiencing some back pain. He told me to smoke some weed because I had chronic back pain.

He told me that he was in a wheelchair, and I asked, "Oh, wheely?"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

Simba was walking too slow so I told him to Mufasa.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.

Why did the author go to the emergency room?

His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.

A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?