Today jokes
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
Today I ate out my girlfriend... Jeffrey Dahmer style.
I did have a good night's sleep and a good day today, and tomorrow I have [planned] for a good night's sleep, and sleep with my...
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"
Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"
The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"
Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."
The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."
They're teaching my 1st grader pronouns! Today it was he/she/they. Tomorrow, you/are/is!
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
Why did the sperm cross the road? ———— because I put on the wrong sock today.
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
If someone calls you, just say:
"This is Peter's abortion clinic and pizza restaurant, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!"
If you're pro-life, I hope you get hit by a bus today!
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.
Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.
He was fired from his job.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Hey, guys! Just a quick reminder to spread kindness today and treat others how you want to be treated!
Rate your day on a scale of 1-10 in the comments below. Mine was about a 7. Also, can you guys please comment [on] what you guys want me to cover in these little messages? Sometimes it's hard to tell if you guys like that I'm doing this kind of stuff or not.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?
The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.
Wow, that was explosive!
Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!
I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."