Teacher says okay class today were gonna talk about what everyone wants to be when they grow up Little Johnny how about you go first. Little jonny: " I want to be a speed bump when I grow up!"
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs and no body. He will be known as "The Head".
Be grateful: You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Kids uncle " your mum said you can have your friends round tonight ! But imma have to baby sit today" . Kid "OK THANK YOU". (AT BED TIME ) Kid " Please may u stop touching my leg BEN!" Ben "im not " (turns light on ) Kid " UCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME !!!"
Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion where yesterday’s lost is today’s sauce
Why couldn’t Billy go to school today? The bus driver hit sally
Today in 3rd grade english the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take ur clothes off?" Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "you can't ask that." The english teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired." Finally Little Tim raises his hand, "the shower ma'am." The english teacher clapped her hands, "good job Tim and as for you Elsa you do not have the body for that."
A Pedphile brings his Eight year old Daughter to the doctors office. The doctor asked her if she would like some Candy? Her father replies please no more candy for her i gave her enough today.
I quit my job at the bank today I lost interest.
Today, I operated on a little girl, she needed O- negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O- negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “so when will I die”? she thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today So I asked her, "when's it due?" She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant you rude prick!" I said, "I meant the bus you fat cunt"
GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing!!! Tomorrow I am going to six flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR day!!!!!! Woohooo!!!!
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom,I checked inside her ham sandwich and there was fresh drugs.
This is true today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said “need money for strippers and weed”
Yesterday I was in a wind storm. Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was Ear-ittating.
Guy: Hi, how was your day today. Woman: Good! Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant* Guy: How many months pregnant are you? Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also I’m not pregnant.
Hello everyone how is your day today?
Today was the worst day ever. My Ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side my truck doesn't even have a dent.
