Today jokes
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?
B: Because today we had a parent meetup.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Nothing lasts long these days!
As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"
GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!