Today jokes
Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."
The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"
The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?
B: Because today we had a parent meetup.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"