Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?
B: Because today we had a parent meetup.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
"Hey, today was great!"
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car!"
I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"
She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"
I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"
No wonder some of the phones today have no home buttons. The makers were orphans.
What is the difference between the snow boots on the earth day today after dinner and walk home
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?
What school did we say it was today? What did the snow say? "I love!"
Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.
Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.
Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.
And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.
One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.
