Today jokes

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Hello, everybody, it's me, Mariplier, and today I'm going to be balling at Freddy's!

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?

B: Because today we had a parent meetup.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

"Hey, today was great!"

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car!"

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”

Person 2: “Seven.”

Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”

Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”

(Based on an encounter I had recently)

Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.

Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.

And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

No wonder some of the phones today have no home buttons.

The makers were orphans.