Today jokes

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast.

I was walking in a park today and a little girl I asked, "Where are your parents?" She said, "Gone. My dad went to go get the milk and never came back," and I said, "Oof."

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

I was on the train today and saw a cow on it.

It was quite strange until I realized it was Alfie's mum.

I groomed 2 minors today.

I replaced "Jingle Bells" with "Jiggle Balls"... "Jiggle balls, jiggle balls, jiggle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride on jiggly balls today!"

Johnny is on his way to school when he comes across a frog. With a sudden inspirational thought, he picks the frog up, shoves a firecracker up the frog's arse, lights the cracker, and blows the frog to smithereens.

Now at school, the teacher asks the class: "Has anybody got anything for show and tell this morning?"

Johnny waves his arm in the air and is virtually screaming "Me mis me mis me mis".

"Ok Johnny, what do you have to share with the class today?"

Little Johnny then says, "Well on my way to school today I shoved a cracker up a frog's arse." The teacher interrupts and says, "It's not arse Johnny, It's rectum."

Johnny then says, "Fucking oath it wrecked 'im."

I saw a Down syndrome kid waving at me today, but there's no way I'm swimming all the way over there to save him.

"Eugheugh," said the boy.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today.

I mean, he just blew up overnight!

What is the difference between a human and a magic house?

To the Earth, is the human body of the human being human? Is it human? Human can be the one day today after the night is the snow time and a.

This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.

Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.

GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

Today I feel diving. Today I feel penalty. Today I feel tap in. Today I feel ghosting. Today I feel finished. Today I feel a bench warmer... I know what it feels to be discriminated... I was bullied because I am Pristiano Penaldo.

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?

I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.

The ice cream man tried to murder me today.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

Today I asked my sis to take out the trash, and I shoved her outside!