Today jokes
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Hello, everyone, how is your day today?
Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
Memes
GOOD MORNING USA!!!! I GOT A FEELING THAT IVE SEEN A FUCKIN NlGGER TODAY!!!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app, and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Hello, everybody, it's me, Mariplier, and today I'm going to be balling at Freddy's!
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!
Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.
Guy: Hi, how was your day today?
Woman: Good!
Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*
Guy: How many months pregnant are you?
Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.
Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.
My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔
Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.
A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?
B: Because today we had a parent meetup.
Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.
Nothing lasts long these days!
As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"
Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.
Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.
And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.