Today jokes

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

Hello, everyone, how is your day today?

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?

B: Because today we had a parent meetup.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

I saw a fat woman at the bus stop today, so I asked her, "When's it due?"

She replied, "I'm not fucking pregnant, you rude prick!"

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat cunt!"

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.

Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.

And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.

No wonder some of the phones today have no home buttons.

The makers were orphans.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Hi, how are you? Busy, busy today and tomorrow. I have to go home from home and walk home. Walk and a bike. Walk, walk, and a bike to school tomorrow night. I have to have lunch with my mom and dad, and I have dinner with you tonight.

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?