Today jokes

Last post for today, but I had to say one more thing! Tomorrow I am going to Six Flags, and I am literally so excited! It is going to be so much fun. Hope you guys have a good MLK JR. day! Woohooo!

Guy: Hi, how was your day today?

Woman: Good!

Guy: *Well I can’t ask her out cause she’s pregnant*

Guy: How many months pregnant are you?

Woman: What to you mean?!?! Also, I’m not pregnant.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

Hello, everyone, how is your day today?

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?

B: Because today we had a parent meetup.

Driving through the woods today, I saw a boy with a bare behind.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.

Nothing lasts long these days!

As Confucius says, "Hare today, gone tomorrow!"

My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling, so I put a car-pet over it.

No wonder some of the phones today have no home buttons.

The makers were orphans.

I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!

Spend all night in a dark humor webpage.

Go to an orphanage today and read it to them.

And I'm sure if you go to a school for disabled children, they should understand it.

I decided today that I was going to do something with my life, something amazing, and I decided to punch a homeless man.

What is the difference between snow boots on Earth Day, today, after dinner, and walking home?

I did a walk today and had fun. Today, I did not have to go get my kids and get to my new house. 🏠 It was a good day. I had fun. I did a walk today. I had fun today, but I’m going to be at the car 🚘 when I’m at my car. 🚘 What time was your night time? What time did [you go to bed]?