To-do

To-do jokes

Teacher

    • Chapter 1. "Kid teacher"

    Mrs. Lewis: Class, I want everyone to look at their textbooks and find a reasonable essay topic. My suggestion is page 232 or 678. Now, this essay counts as the final grade for the semester. Now do it, or you will repeat 5th grade again! Now turn to page 100, and we'll start reading from there. Do you all understand?

    Neilela: Yes ma'am, quick question, we don't have to do it today... do we?

    Mrs. Lewis: Yes! It is today!

    Andrua: It sounds boring, and all I have to do today is be a big jerk who gives way too much instruction.

    Mrs. Lewis: Anyway, let's get to work.

    56 hours later.

    Mrs. Lewis: Kids, when I call you, please tell me what you liked about your essay. When I call your name, Carl.

    Carl: Why me? Yes?

    Mrs. Lewis: What did you like about the story, Carl?

    Carl: Um... I liked it when... um... um... um... um...

    Jeklen: He didn't even read the story because he's too busy trying to look up the letter "J" and its meaning!

    Carl: Jeklen, shut up and stop biting your hair.

    Jeklen: At least I know what the letter "J" is.

    Mrs. Lewis: Class, please listen. Carl, did you read the story that I asked you?

    Carl: Well, not really because you were the one reading it in class, so...

    Vronica: For real!

    Carl: Mhmmm

    Mrs. Lewis: Listen class, this homework needs to be done today! DO IT!

    Kimbriel: Ms. Lewis, I have a lot of questions about tonight's homework.

    Mrs. Lewis: Yes?

    Kimbriel: You assigned so many things just for a little test! What?

    Mrs. Lewis: I need a break! Peyton, you're in charge!

    All students: NO, NOT PEYTON !!!!!!

    Peyton: Me? In charge? Of the class?

    Jessica: Wow, but you're all about the boredom!

    Peyton: Shut up! yeeeeeeee

    Peyton: Ms. Lewis, there must be a mistake, how can I be in charge? I'm 11... I think...

    Ari: To think that yesterday she thought she was 8 years old.

    Oh sorry... I think.

    Mrs. Lewis: Have you ever heard of a teacher's vacation?

    All students: That's not a thing!

    I never heard of it...

    Mrs. Lewis: Well, me and Ms. Sumrall, we are going on a "teacher vacation", we can do it because we become calmer, or we don't get angry at the students. AND WE CAN DO IT!

    Khloe: Why?

    Mrs. Lewis: Because I am an adult.

    Ms. Sumrall: Is Petrina ready?

    Ms. Lewis: Yes, thank goodness for this!

    Kenya: Bye? "Chapter 2" To be continued...

    Kitchen

    • Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?

    Fiancé: I want to go somewhere I've never been before!

    Me: Well welcome to the Kitchen!

    Blonde girl

    • Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

    The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

    The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

  • 7
    • To-do memes

    Blonde

    • A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

    "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

  • 0

    • Emo

    • What do you not want to do when it comes to giving an emo a job?

    Showing them the ropes.

  • 1

    • Nun

    • Three nuns went up to Mother Teresa and said, "Mother Teresa, we would not like to be nuns anymore." Mother Teresa said, "Okay, but first you have to do something unholy." So they leave and come back three days later. The first one says, "Mother Teresa, I did something unholy. I took a little kid's bike." Mother Teresa says, "Okay, drink from the holy water and you are free to go." The second nun walks up, upset, "I did something worse than her. I slept with a married man." The last nun walks up and says, "I did something worse than all of them." Mother Teresa says, "Oh god, oh gosh, what is it?" And the third nun says, "I peed in the holy water."

  • 0

    • Kebab

    • My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

  • 0

    • Stuff

    • Me: What do we need from there? I have a few things to do before I head out to the store, and then I will be home to pick up the stuff.

    Random person: What stuff? 🤨

    Me: What?

    The person: You said you’re going to pick up “the stuff”!!! What do you mean by that?!

    Me: Colourful flamingo fart.

    Sister

    • So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍

  • 0

    • Difference

    • What's the difference between homework and a hooker? They both start with an "H", but we all know which one we would like to do.

  • 0

    • Orphanage

    • There was a kid being mean to another kid at an orphanage. The kid said, "Stop!" but the mean one said, "What are you going to do? Call your mommy?"

    Turtle

    • I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

    Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.