I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand. -- It's seven.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
The number 13? Not on my watch
Straight people ask why gays have such a good fashion sense. Baby we didn’t spend all that time in the closet for nothing.
im not suicidal im just speedrunning life
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Me and a person downtown.
Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.
Me: I guess so.
Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?
Me: I don't know. I used too, but don't anymore.
Person: why'd you stop?
Me: unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
"Boom, quick; you have five seconds to give me three reasons to live." "1......2......3 .....4....5..." Did you noticed you said nothing at all?
Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said one at a time please.
life’s too short to want it.
What time is it when you walk in to the wall ? Time to get to bed 🛏
A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says "what about the children" the rabbi says "fuck the children" and the Priest says "do you think we'll have time
Things I would have missed if my attempt in 2018 worked...
My attempts in 2019,2020 and 2021!
My grandpa has a world record for holding his breath. He's been holding it for 6 years.
A doctor walks up to a dying man and sadly says: "I'm sorry, the test shows you only have 10 more to live." The man says " 10!? 10 what!? Years? Weeks? Days? What?!!?" The doctor calmly replies "Nine"
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
I wanted to make a belt out of watches, then I realized, it was a waist of time!
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
What do a pedophile and a clock have in common...neither of them go pass 12.