Time Jokes

Johnny Depp once said in an interview: "I get older, my girlfriends stay the same age."

Maybe Johnny Depp's soulmate isn't born yet. We'll see in 20-25 years.

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. My first time in the air, my instructor informed me but he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane, and his buddy says "well did you jump?"the guy says yeah, a little at first.

That time when you realise that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...

2020 was the first time Kobe had passed in years

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

When someone tells me to kill myself

Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts... I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Radiohead had to remake Fake Plastic Trees after encountering Carrie Underwood in real life for the first time.

Person: 'Doctor, doctor I've only got 50 seconds to live'

Doctor: 'Just give me a minute'

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Some times I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

My brother is ugly one time he stuck his head out the window, the police arrested for mooning

billie: hi

me: you wanna hear a story?

billie: yes sure

me: once upon a time, i ran over your dog last night.

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J," Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter " go bye your self something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice," they both look at craig as he pulls out a letter. craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THER BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throughs down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

I can find the end of time before I find your hairline.

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The ...bastard.....used .....coins"