I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them, just answer the phone and say, "Pizza Hut abortion clinic, where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
Vagina jokes aren't funny.
Most of the time.
Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
