Time jokes
Just all us depressed people joking about our depressed lives, we should hang out sometime.
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Why was the man fired from a calendar factory? He took a day off.
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.
Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."
If you're ever bored, try scaring the sh*t out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?
Because every time they scan, it scans twice.
What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
Chuck Norris can make 5 minute frosting in 4 minutes.
Vagina jokes aren't funny.
Most of the time.
A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”
Fortnite is like America... At one time it was good and free. Now it's neither.
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.