Time jokes
A wise man once told me: "If you poke the bear in prison, the bear will happily return the favor when it's time to shower."
Why don't Indians play soccer?
Because every time they take a corner, they open up a shop.
One time I saw a kid crying, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage!
One time I went to high-five someone. I've been left hanging ever since.
So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."
Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."
Your hairline goes so far back even history can’t record it.
Every time a midget runs on the grass, the grass tickles their balls.
Your hairline is so far back my dad even took 48 hours to reach it.
Sorry, I got the joke wrong the first time.
Why can’t orphans learn about ancient times?
Because they don’t know what a mummy is.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.
Who is older than the Twin Towers?
Billy Bob the 1th. He was older than the Twin Towers. He was born 3 minutes before the Twin Towers and is still alive today.
I wasn't close to my dad when he died.
Which was good. He died during 9/11.
Why don't Pakis play football? Every time they get a corner, they build a shop.
There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.
Why do orphans only have 363 days in the year?
Because they don’t have a Mother's nor Father’s Day.
A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.
One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."
The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"
The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."
So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.
"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."
The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"
The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."
The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"
Guy, it was so weird yesterday. I saw a guy, and he kept repeating the same thing over and over. I hate people with dementia. I told my mom to get a new mirror, but she won’t listen to me. It’s almost like I said it like 20 times every time I say it.
A man died and went to heaven. Every time you cheat, you get a worse car.
The first man cheated 5 times; he got a Jeep. The second man cheated 3 times; he got a BMW. The third man never cheated; he got a Lamborghini.
The second man saw the third man sad. He said, "Why are you sad?" The third man said, "I saw my wife with a scooter."