Time jokes
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
So, we are in class right, and the teacher has a metal leg. Every year she gets the question of, "Do metal detectors beep every time you walk by them?" She heard this question to the point where she just says yes without hesitation.
Once she had said yes, two kids in the back started laughing.
Teacher: Ok alright, take it a little bit more seriously would you?
Kid: Oh, we're not laughing at that.
Kid_2: We're laughing at cancer.
How many times do you tickle a squid before it laughs?
TEN-TICKLES
Do you know where time is? Because it keeps flying by.
Tell your teacher this: "I passed a test that took 60 minutes. It wasn't your work, it wasn't my work, it was hour work!"
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
What happens when a clock is hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I really hate waiting to die... It's taking a lifetime.
Your mom is so fat, every time she turns around, it's her birthday.
What is more time-consuming than children?
Waiting for your wife to go into labor!
Yo mama is so fat, it took Nationwide 15 years to get on her side.
If you need to squint to read this...
You probably need glasses.
What does a clock do when he's still hungry? He goes back "four" seconds!
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.
One time, I bought a magnet. My wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn't help myself; I felt attracted to it.
The Middle Ages were called the dark ages because there were too many knights.
People say that life is short.
I say... life is the longest thing we ever do.
Time for a story: There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off. How many are left? 499.
What are the 3 steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? Open fridge, put in elephant, close fridge.
What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge? Open fridge, take out elephant, put in giraffe, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend except one, who is it? Giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across safely, how? The alligators where at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyway. How? She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
What did the watch say to the failing watch company?
"You better watch it!"