Time jokes
I went to a museum and saw clocks. The owner told me these were lying clocks.
"This is God's clock. It never moved because he never lied."
"This is your clock. It moved 3 times because you lied 3 times."
I asked where is President Trump's clock. He said it was at the equator, spinning super fast for those who were on fire. I laughed so hard because it was so true!
He: I am 60 and I have to slog 12 hours a day to make a living. Do you call it life?
She: I am 28 and still a virgin, do you call it life?
What kind of star will come out in the daytime?
A starfish! 🐟🐠🐡🦐🦞🦀🦑🐙🦂
Why did the clock eat so fast?
He wanted to go in for SECONDS! Super bad, huh?
Hey guys, it's cake time!
Type this in your calculator:
5 days a week (type in 5),
6 different classes (type in 6),
7 hours a day (type in 7),
x
2 semesters (type in 2),
=
flip the calculator over ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°).
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.
I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.
Who remembers when ‘tweeting’ meant “stabbing a hooker”?
Why can't homosexuals get car insurance?
They've been rear-ended too many times.
What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture your bedtime.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.