Tie jokes
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
What did the shoe say to the other shoe?
Nothing, it was tied up in another conversation.
What happened when the teacher tied all the students' shoe laces together?
They took a class trip.
Why do blondes make bad bank robbers?
Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards.
A black dude hits up a trap house for some crack and Hennessy, flashing his grill and boasting 'bout his gangsta life. The dealer snarls, "Pay up, fool. Or face the pipe!" He shrugs, "I'm broke, n***a." Suddenly, the dealer's ripped enforcer yanks him down, cuffs his hands with zip ties, shoves a vibrating dildo gag down his throat, slaps his ass red with a spiked paddle, then rams his throbbing monster cock into that tight hole, pounding savagely while choking him with a chain collar, flooding his guts with hot cum as he moans, "That's your high, bitch. Addicted yet?"
What’s the difference between Kendrick Lamar and an orphan?
He has family ties.
I saw a bus the other day with some boy scouts at the back. One of them was having fun getting his knot-tying badge.
A guy and his girl just finished making love.
Just as they lay next to each other, the girl asks, "Have you thought about any baby names?"
The guy then takes his condom off and ties it, and says, "Well, probably David Copperfield, if he gets out of this!"
Why did Rolf Harris meet underage kids?
To tie his kangaroo down, sport!
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I'll just hang around.
Q: Why did the first Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead too.
Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the other two Koalas on the way down.
Q: Why did the fourth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
Q: Why did the fifth Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was curious to see where the others were going.
Q: Why did the sixth Koala fall off the tree? A: It was tied to the fifth koala.
Q: Why did the seventh Koala fall off the tree? A: Peer group pressure.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.
Did you know curing boredom is quite simple?
For instance, you could pretend to be an apple by tying a rope around your neck for a stem.
Why tie when you can knot?
A man goes to a motel room and sees a woman tied up and she said, "Help me please!" He had to do some forceful thinking.
What type of bow can't be tied?
Rainbow.
My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.
Me: Hey! Do you know how to tie a knot?
Person: Yea, why?
Me: Cause I need help tying this noose :)