Thought Jokes

I was watching the local chief police in America, he said we will never forget 911. I thought i should hope not its your phone number.

a man walks into a bar, and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. when he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" the man decided not to take the risk. he thought the steaks where too high.

Business Interview With Depression Inside my brain...

Me: So... You're new? Depression: (I don't know who he is yet) mHMMMmmm! Me: Well what are your skills? Depression: Oh, taking control and leading... You know... Me: What are you trying out for? Depression: Oh, Vice Leader of Negative Thoughts. Me: Well we do need someone over there- for somewhat reason nobody wanted that job... Me: How did you know about us? Depression: Oh- I knew because of Anxiety, you know, we're friends! Me: Interesting... (Still has no idea about Anxiety and it's problemos) Me: Well I think you're signed up! I'll give you the job! Depression: tHaNKS :)

AND THATS HOW MY LIFE GOT DESTROYED :]

1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.

2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.

3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.

My friend gave me sugar for my birthday, she thought it was cheap I thought it was pretty sweet

So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.

Why was Wacko Jacko willing to write a song for the film Free Willy?

He thought that the film's title was a nice phrase to yell out in primary school playgrounds.

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Isn't gwen the most thoughtful person?

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

a girl and her brother are walking in their garden POV:Brother. Sister:Why are you cutting those flowers?

Brother; because their beautiful!

Sister:I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't.

Brother:......

I remember when I was a kid i thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right, they used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face