So I was playing on my phone, and my mom said to go and take the trash out, so I pick up my sister and threw her in the garbage bin and said, "Mom told me to." And when I came back in, my mom said not to do that ever again, but then I told her that she says not to lie, so I was doing the right thing. 👍
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!
What is boring? Talking about boring things.
1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!
2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!
3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!
4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!
Are these good?
When did “yo” mean Hello?
They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."
Why don’t mountains take things seriously?
Because they’re hill areas.
What has 8 legs and 2 ears?a dog 🐶
Why do men say funny things? Just to be silly!
Hey, What do you want? We broke up like 5 days ago, leave me alone. Ok, first wanna do some things? What kind of things? Illegal things. Like what? Knock you off and hide your body. 🤡🤡🗡
A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle Apollo says "if you eat that buffet everyone you love will die". Up yours the man said what are they going to die of famine. Moments later there was a incident that took place in the restaurant everyone literally died. it turn the restaurant had a B-. I said is that really a thing groaning on the hospital. The doctor said know that is your condition you hepatitis B-.
"What the FU***** SH**"
Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus Dying also in laughter.
*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."
Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."
If you're in a roast battle with a homophobe and they are talking mad shit, just say:
"The only thing looser than your mouth is your asshole!"
Most annoying thing...
When we send something in WhatsApp thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks...
Things said by racist aliens:
"Some of my best friends are Green."
"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."
"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."
"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"
"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."
"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"
"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."
"Get out of my store you grigger!"
"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"
What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died? Windown Shut Down
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.
Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
What's the best thing about taking a shower with a 12 year old Philippino girl?
If you slick her hair back, she looks 10.
