New Things Jokes - Page 35 - Worst Jokes Ever

A man was sitting in the restaurant and ordered a whole buffet. He is visited by an oracle. Apollo says, "If you eat that buffet, everyone you love will die."

"Up yours," the man said, "What are they going to die of, famine?"

Moments later, there was an incident that took place in the restaurant. Everyone literally died. It turned out the restaurant had a B-. I said, "Is that really a thing groaning on the hospital?"

The doctor said, "Know that is your condition, you have hepatitis B-."

"What the FU***** SH**"

Apollo is sitting in Mount Olympus, dying also in laughter.

*At A Funeral For Someone Who Jumped Off A Building* Victim's Mom: "I wonder what was the last thing that went through his head..."

Me: "Honestly... Probably his ass."

If you're in a roast battle with a homophobe and they are talking mad shit, just say:

"The only thing looser than your mouth is your asshole!"

Most annoying thing...

When we send something in WhatsApp thinking our friend is online but can only see two grey ticks...

Things said by racist aliens:

"Some of my best friends are Green."

"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."

"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."

"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"

"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."

"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"

"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."

"Get out of my store you grigger!"

"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"

What was the last thing Stephen Hawking said before he died?

"Windows Shut Down."

Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, and they want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared.

The Native Americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: The Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him.

The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs and the Native American kills him. They both see each other in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"

The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What's the best thing about taking a shower with a 12 year old Philippino girl?

If you slick her hair back, she looks 10.

What was the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?

Their ankles.

Lololol get it? They fell from like 100 feet.

Cancer is the best thing ever! Hahah, fuck all you cancer patients!

So, Dora is having a sleepover with her cousin Diego at Dora's house. Later that night, Dora's mom hears someone screaming, "Go Diego go!" for at least a couple of minutes, and then it stops, and she goes back to sleep.

But then she hears the same thing a couple of minutes later, so she walks in and hears "Go Diego go!" She walks over to Diego's sleeping bag and looks, and it's empty, so she walks over to Dora's sleeping bag and looks in and sees Dora getting f

... by Diego and hears Dora saying, "Go Diego go!" while moaning.

What's the best thing about a blowjob?

- The silence.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.