They jokes
Why do more women than men oppose abortion? Because they prefer not to get raped.
I am crying tears of joy rn. I was wrongfully sentenced to death. They took me to prison to wait for my execution, but when I got there, they said that I was free. I asked them why and they told me that a man named Penaldo had taken my death penalty for me. Thank you, Penaldo!
How do angels 😇 make holy water 💧?
They boil the hell out of it.
Why can’t orphanage kids play baseball?
Cause they don’t know where home is.
Why don't Japanese people like iPhones?
Because they are afraid of American airdrops.
What does Earl Bradley and an Xbox have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 67 stories in 0.67 milliseconds.
What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?
They are both twisted.
Why can't Asians play Baseball?
Because they ate the bat.
What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.
Why are the Chinese bad at baseball?
Because they ate all the bats.
Why are orphans so happy on Christmas? Because they might get a family.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.
What do depressed people do when they’re bored?
They “Hang” Out.
Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she, they'd be Hershey's.
What do old people and meth heads have in common? They usually trip over their balls.
What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.