Them jokes
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.
Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?
Bring them young.
Why was the rapper always on time?
Because they had a PHAT BEAT to keep them in check!
Why was the rapper always in shape?
Because he dropped so many BARS, he had to stay fit to pick them up!
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
Some people are such "treasures" that you just want to bury them.
Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"
Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?
A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.
What's the difference between yo mama and German men?
The balls... German men don't have them.
Why can't science be combined with religion?
Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
Why should you wrap your hamsters in duct tape?
So they don't explode when you f*** them.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers, two of them are for you.
Why do blonde prostitutes prefer blowjobs?
They hate it when you hand it to them.
Michael Jackson and Kelly Clarkson both did shady stuff to children. Michael Jackson said that there is nothing wrong with sharing a bed with unrelated small children. Kelly Clarkson said that there is nothing wrong with physically beating a small child.
The thing is, though, only one of them made "Billie Jean" or "Beat It", and the other is just a typical karaoke country singer. So no surprise people gave Wacko Jacko a pass.
How did the Emo kid bag all the cheerleaders?
He hit them all when he started shooting his shot.
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Well, probably the person in front of them.