That jokes

When I get suicidal, everyone worries. I don't know why because that is when I'm the happiest, thinking about death.

Man 1: Why don’t we just put all the debt in the world on one man, then kill him?

Man 2: We tried that once. It started a cult.

We all know that Lincoln and Kennedy are the most open-minded presidents in the world.

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

Your mom is so fat that if she sits on top of a gas station, she will lower the prices.

I had a very long dream that I was eating the most juiciest, tastiest meal I'd ever eaten in my life. Then when I woke up, my wife was gone.

My girlfriend said onions were the only foods that make you cry.

Until I threw a watermelon in her face.

Why can orphans never be kidnapped?

No one can tell them that "your parents said that they would be delayed and I was told to pick you up."

My therapist told me to write angry letters to those that upset me and never send them.

He is really going to hate the letter he never gets.

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

With numerous reports of Donald Trump's odor and Kelly Clarkson's lack of hygienic habits... proof that money doesn't buy cleanliness.

I'm shocked that Kanye West never tried to get Carrie Underwood's number after Carrie starred in a pro-Aryan ad for Almay.

There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

I told myself the other night after a long night at the bar that I should stop drinking.

But why should I listen to a drunk who talks to himself?

I wondered if becoming a furry could help me escape my crippling depression...

Unfortunately, the veterinarian insisted that he still wasn't going to euthanize me.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.

Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"

My little sister called my name a few minutes after I put her to bed. She told me that there was something in her closet. I checked the closet and told her there was nothing there, but told her she could still sleep in my room with me. I was thinking that was the best way to get her out of the room before he noticed I saw him.

Guy 1: "Tell me a bad pun."

Guy 2: "Alright. What's the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a tube of glue?"

Guy 1: "Ok, that last one was random as heck. What is the difference?"

Guy 2: "You can tuna a piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

Guy 1: "Ok, where does the glue come in?"

Guy 2: "Ah, I knew you'd get stuck on that."