That jokes

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

Your hairline is so bad that it makes Lebron's hairline look normal.

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.

What's worse than depression & suicide?

Easy: LIVING. Everyday you wish you were dead but then reality hits you in the face that you're still alive and have to suffer living.

Pretend or not pretend, we have to decide everyday even if we don't pretend no one will notice :) no one ever does :). Living is the problem to everything. We get depression cuz of it and so much. Why can't we just die :)?

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

Yo mama's so stupid that she studied for her eye test.

Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?

Donald Trump can only F@#k up.

That awkward moment you try to relate to Batman by killing your parents.

People always said that if you killed a murderer, there would be the same number of murderers. Why stop at one?

Once I saw a mirror... and that was when I got the ability to become a ghost.

A man goes into heaven and there he meets Jesus. He asks Jesus what that broken clock is there for. Jesus says, "That is Mother Teresa's clock, it has never moved because she has never lied." "There is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He has lied twice so it has moved twice." "Where is Donald Trump's?" asks the man. Jesus answers, "It is in my office, I am using it as a ceiling fan."

If a fly loses its wings, is it now a walk? Wait a minute, I found out a mind blower. So the 🌎 is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn't that mean all countries are called the 3rd country of 🌎? If I get 10 likes, I'll do one mind-blowing fact daily.

me: I'm going to steal your heart.

her: omg that's so romantic!!

me, an organ trafficker: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Your mom's so fat that One Punch Man had to take two punches.

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

So this guy is talking to his buddy about his flying lessons. "My first time in the air, my instructor informed me that he was an 8th degree black belt and homosexual, and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I would have to jump out of the plane," and his buddy says, "Well, did you jump?" The guy says, "Yeah, a little at first."

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

You know, I like my girls how I like my 9/11: Two twins that go down easy.