That jokes

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.

THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!

We are coming out with a Whopper that is similar to a priest because it also has its meat between 5-year-old buns.

"Yo mama's so fat that when she farts, Al Gore accuses her of global warming."

A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."

His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "I was talking to the sheep."

What do you call the bear that pushes all the other bears into the pool? The dry bear.

I'm so poor that they let me buy the entire store! For $0...

You're as tall as a giraffe.

Well, that's why you look like a baked bean!

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

My girlfriend is growing watermelons, not in the ground though (we had fun that night)!

Déjà Vat: the feeling that you’ve heard that bad joke before.

What do you call a dinosaur that can’t eat?

Anarexic.

Your mom is so fat that when she went on the scale, it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

What do you call a booty that can do magic?

A butt trick!

Oh, Mom, there is poop in the toilet still.

Mom: Oh, that was me and the dog.

Me: Wait, what????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Why did the snail paint a big "S" on his car?

Because he wanted people to say look at that S-car go when he rolled by.

One day a Chief was talking to his son... "Son," the father said, "Long ago the Woman didn't have anybody to take her to BINGO. So, the Creator put the Woman to sleep and cut off her butt cheeks and made her a Man. That's why today Indian Women have no butt, and the Men are called Buttheads!"

Your hairline is so ugly, even Dora the Explorer can’t even do it.