That jokes

Have you heard of the show Naked and Afraid?

That's what I call hide and seek with my uncle.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

There's only 3 types of people: the ones who can count and the ones that can't.

My friends in my friend group say that I am quiet and I don't do anything bad. I proved them wrong by murdering the leader of it.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

What’s black and white and red all over?

A crushed nun!

What’s that black stuff between an elephants toes?

Slow natives.

Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore.

Why?

The ducks keep trying to eat him.

Why would they do that?

Because he’s pure-bread.

My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. That's what I get for buying a pure bred dog.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him. That's it for now.

What do you call a door that bells? A doorbell.

A special quote: “I was gonna slap that girl into tomorrow!”

Random person: "What's one thing your ex gave you that you can't get rid of?"

Man: *Shows a picture of his child.*

Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"