That jokes

Was invited to the inauguration of an I-pad.

We were all ready to begin the event. I was supposed to cut the ribbons, but before I could do that, Penaldo jumped outta nowhere and shouted, "I DON'T WANT I-PAD, I ONLY WANT TO STATPAD!"

Shame on Penaldo for ruining the event! 😡

When I was born, I saw you at the adoption center alone.

That day your dad got milk. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬

People who don't have common sense are just stupid people with ugly hearts. STOP HATING PEOPLE YOU NEVER KNOW! Also write "then exit the f word site," and I think we know that won't happen!!!

I L.O.V.E GWEN!!!!!!

What is the Harry Potter spell that aborts babies? Fetus Deletus!

This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."

They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"

Little Johnny got detention because when he was walking to lunch, he saw a bowl of apples and there was a note on it that said, "Take 1, God is watching." He continued walking and saw a bowl of cookies that said, "Take 1, please." So little Johnny made his own note and he wrote, "Take as many cookies as you want, God is watching the apples."

Why is Donald Trump so desperate to break into the White House?

Most landlords cannot lease their properties to him due to the fact that he is a felon.

And that concludes your French oral. You can put your trousers back up, and I'll see you on Monday.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

Okay, what do you call that purple thing in your mom's top dresser drawer that she calls her best best friend for some weird reason?

Dad better look out from Bob, battery-operated boyfriend, hahaha!

Me: Want to hear a joke?

Friend: Sure.

Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.

Friend: What's funny about that?

Me: Because the next day they disowned me.

How about that airplane food? I eat it when I'm high.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

How do Chinese people name their children?

They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.

Given that it's a major guarantee that little boys' underwear will be half off at Kmart thanks to the blue light specials, now you know why Michael Jackson likes to loiter around the store all day long.

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

Why does the disabled person scrunch his toilet paper up? Because that’s the way he rolls.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

So I saw a 15 year old kid near a 15 year old girl checking her out.

Then I told him, "What are you doing?"

He told me he will decorate her locker, donate a lot of money to her, and buy her a lot of stuff.

He then told me how easy would that be?

I told him: "That sounds pretty SIMPle."