That jokes
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
You know that your grades are bad when you get a 66% on a test and your grade goes up.
What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.
I don't really trust the press. Sometimes they wear badges that say "press," but if you press those badges, they just fall over, all surprised.
Memes
"Abracadabra! Alacuzam! See that woman? She’s now a man."
"After the man got some sun, I turned this banana into a gun! Now look! I now have your phone, Apple Watch, and your credit card!"
The patient said, "When will this be over?"
The doctor said, "After you die."
The patient says, "Was that a morbid joke?"
The doctor says, "Well, um, actually, you'll die because we broke the needles and the cure."
The patient says, "Well, it's a bright day, maybe if you weren't clumsy!"
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
What do you call a short fortune-teller that escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Bf: Babe, do you love me?
Gf: Of course, why do you ask?
Bf: I heard that your mom passed away, and I went to pick some roses for you to try to cheer you up, and then I remembered why I went to the garden.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
Yo mama is so fat that she is not wrong when she says the world revolves around her.
There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.
When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.
She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"
54 students died that day.
Well, I didn’t get as high as I wanted to, but I’m high enough that if I fall I’d probably break something.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
What do you call a cow that no one likes? The mooser.
What do you call a hippopotamus that stands out from the crowd?
A hipster!
What do you call a banana that peels itself?
Appealing!
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."
The doe comes out of the woods, shakes herself, and says,
"I can't believe I did that for 2 bucks!"