That jokes

I come in from work to see my wife dead on the sofa. As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of a dick fuck does that!

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friend group.

I suspected that it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

Me: How does this thing work?

ForTnite kid: Oh, you don’t know how to use a pistol? Look, I’ll show you.

ForTnitekid: *shoots foot*

Me: That wasn’t a very good demonstration.

Why did an old man fall in a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.

The snack that smiles back: Ball sack.

Papyrus: Sans! I heard that a HUMAN has fallen!

Sans: And you gotta bone to pick with 'em?

Yo mama so ugly, that when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho- HOLY SHIT!"

What do you call an orphan that grows to be a priest?

Fatherless.

What do you call a fudge packer who has special needs?

A gay black male that has Down Syndrome.

What do you call a bowling ball that falls from the sky and knocks down all the bowling pins?

An airstrike.

Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...

"Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"

I suppose that was a fair compromise!

Ironic that this page is dead.

Yo mama so fat that when she tried to get on the train, it said, "Weight limit passed, everyone get off!"

Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?

You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.

Did you hear about that Muslim party?

It was a blast!

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

There are some questionable candies out there, such as:

"All I want is a good Blow Pop."

"I don’t even want to know where that Butterfinger has been."

"If you do, you’ll probably end up with tasting the rainbow."

"Nobody wants to bite into an O’Henry."

"Or adopt Three Musketeers."

"Or even end up with a Sour Patch."