That jokes

Me: What’s that girl’s name from Phineas and Ferb, the sister?

Crush: Candice.

Me: Candice dick fit in your mouth?

Crush: *slaps me, walks away*

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

Today, I dreamt about giving head to Johnny Depp.

Then I woke up and realized that I forgot to roll my windows up when passing through the New Jersey Turnpike.

Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?

Me: I used to work at the World Trade Center, before the plane hit.

Doctor: A lot of people fell to pieces after that.

You're so ugly that blind people cry when you walk past them.

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

If you eat pussy, and if you are what you eat, does that mean eating pussy makes you a pussy?

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

I wish death was in the form of a woman.

That way, it would never come for me.

That awkward moment when a fat kid says, “That’s how I roll.”

One day I was working at the bank, doing my job. Then suddenly a woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Then I told her that her balance is un-balanced.

What do you call a foot that got beaten at everything?

De-feeted (Defeated)

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

You're so poor that you die and go to the backrooms.

What happened to the frog that parked illegally?

He was toad away.

Get it?

Johnny Depp to a 15-year-old girl: "Wow, look at that sexy body! Savvy!"

Michael Jackson, when talking about a 6-year-old boy: "The boy is mine! That doggone boy is mine! Don't waste your time...."

Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and Jeffrey Epstein entering and exclaiming, "Wow, this place is more fun than the Playboy Mansion!"

What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

One day I told my wife that she drew her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

You are so skinny that they won't let you ride a fucking roller coaster because you flew before.

"That's not my age; it's just not true.

My heart is young; the time just flew.

I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."