How did you get that? Used your life savings?
What do you call a squirrel that flies? A flying squirrel.
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Teacher: Kids, what are some things you have that make you happy? Kid 1: I have my family to make me happy. Kid 2: I have my friends to make me happy. Teacher: What about you, Sean? Sean: I have to take pills to make me happy...
What's worse than a dead baby?
A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? The one on the bottom is alive. And what's worst than that is, the baby has to eat its way out.
Your mum is so fat Les Dawson would agree with me that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand, she throws it.
Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?
It's ok, he didn't either!
What do you call a Jedi that can use the force to fly?
A Jedi Flight.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
Her parents named her Cindy, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
Yo mama so fat that Hannibal Lecter couldn't eat her up.
Your mum is so stupid, she tried to take the crown off a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster so that she could become the new queen of England.
What do you call a steak that tastes bad?
A MISsteak.
What do you call a down syndrome person that was hit by a car?
Mash potato.
Statistics show that 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile. However, I think that's a lie because I just live next to 2 stunning 8-year-olds.
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
Take him for a drag.
A horse and a bear walk into a bar... Oh wait, can't tell that one!
Did you hear that Stephen Hawking wrote a new book? It's called "Around The House in Eighty Days."
My music teacher was investigated, but she was the one that taught me my fingerings.
