That jokes
You're walking into a bar and you see 2 younger kids around 18. You call the manager to have them removed, but no one came down.
Later that night, you see the 2 18-year-olds, 1 was a girl and the other was a boy, so you call the manager down. No one came again. You confront them and tell them to leave, but one turns around and hits you. You are knocked out on the floor. When you wake up, there is a hard feeling in your a**. You turn your head around and there is an autistic girl with a strap-on in your a** going full on hard.
My grandpa said I'm too reliant on technology... so I screamed that he was a hypocrite and I unplugged his life support.
I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.
I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys...
Huh, I don’t recall ever eating a monkey!
My mom said that I don't listen to homophones, but then I said, "No, I listen to headphones."
Your mom shat you out after having Taco Bell. That’s why she calls you a little shat.
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
What do you call a person that guards a Samsung store?
A Guardian Of The Galaxy :)
Son - Dad, I've been expelled from school for having sex with a girl in my class.
Dad - Son, that's the 2nd school this year! Maybe teaching isn't for you!
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you should’ve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
Puerto Rican teen: I'm a waste, a failure, NUNCA LO PODRA ASER (I'll never be able to do it).
The mother: AI NINO (OH CHILD).
The teen: QUE? (WHAT?)
The mother: NO TE PONGA CON ESTA MIELDA OTRAVES! (DON'T START WITH THIS SHIT AGAIN!)
The teen: I CAN'T DO SHIT RIGHT MAMA!
The mother: OOOHHH YEAH WELL TU SI PUEDES ABLAR MIELDA DE TI, I BOTAR BASURA! (YOU SURE CAN TALK CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF AND THROW OUT THE TRASH.)
The teen: QUAL (WHICH).
The mother: MADRE DE DIOS (MOTHER OF GOD).
The teen: AVIA UNA NEGRA I OTRA BLANKA (THERE WAS A BLACK ONE AND WHITE ONE).
*A phone buzzes.*
The teen: Whose phone is that, ma?
Unknown: MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU TAKE AWAY THE CONFEDERATE FLAG HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO THE BAD WHITE PEOPLE ARE?
*Runs to bag, opens white one and sticks hand in.*
The teen: HAIR GEL
To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.
Why do dogs howl?
Because that's the only contraction they know.
Why do dogs howl?
Because that's the other contraction they know.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
"That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."
Sans: Pap, your spaghetti is bonearific.
PaprUs: Sans, no. Aw, your funny bone is not working; come on, that one was a rib tickler.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...