That jokes

“Life is going swimmingly,”

“Tell that to Whitney Houston.”

Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends ask how he’s doing, he said, “I wasn’t that into her.”

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

An Abo walks into a pub with a seagull on his shoulder. The barman asks, "Where did you find that?" The seagull replied, "At the tip, mate, there are lots there."

What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!

There are a lot of things that explode... like cars, boats, the Twin Towers.

Bro, why are you making an avalanche by that big forehead? No wonder why snow was found on Mars.

If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?

The interviewer asked me if I had a criminal record when I was requesting Australian citizenship.

I replied, "No. Is that still required?"

Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.

What happened to the frog that partied illegally?

He got TOAD away!

"Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too."

On September 11, 2001, I was in geometry class.

On that day, we learned you can remove one side of a pentagon by intersecting it with a plane.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener.

I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.

12 months of training completely wasted.

An Ob-Gyn asks a lady to put her feet up on the stirrups.

Doctor: My God, you have the biggest vagina I’ve ever seen!

Woman: You don’t have to say that twice.

Doctor: I didn’t.

What does Michael Jackson say when he grabs his crotch? I never noticed that before.