That jokes

You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.

You're so dark that even God's light can't shine upon you.

I donated blood today. In the future, I will try to remember that I'm supposed to donate my blood only.

"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."

"That was when I went to Yale."

"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"

"Thanks! I really need this yob!"

I complained to my landlord that carpenter ants were getting into the timbers. He was dismissive.

"They're Karen Carpenter ants, they don't eat much of anything."

A pair of Newfies decide to visit Toronto. They drive through Nova Scotia, through New Brunswick, through Montréal, Kingston, Oshawa... then they see a sign that says "Toronto Left", so they turn back around and go home.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.

How many software engineers?

Again, none. It's a hardware problem.

How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?

Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.

Your family is so cheap that they won't even pay for the child support to keep you.

Your family is so messed up that they shared one brain cell to have you even exist.

If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?

I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...

I have no beef with them.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

That's a knee slapper, or should I say, a wheel slapper?

I love your hair today.

How did you get it to come out your nose like that?

What do you call something that eats kids?

An upset mother.

Germans be like, “Guten Morgan.”

Bitch, that's not my name.

A kindergarten teacher is chatting with little John. The teacher asks John, "John, can you get me some pencils?" John replies, "Sure, I'll do it!" and accidentally knocks over a vase.

The teacher says, "Oh, John!"

John asks, "What does that mean?" The teacher replies, "It's kind of a synonym for 'You loser!'"

What's the best part about duck tape?

It turns "No, no, no!" into "Mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"

It makes it real easy to get to home base on that first date, too.

Him: Hey girl, do you have pet insurance?

Her: Yes, why do you ask?

Him: Cuz I'm going to bang that pussy up!

In geometry class, the teacher went up to the board and drew a 23-degree angle.

She then drew a 67-degree angle. The class was astonished when the angles started talking! The first one said, "That's a lovely blouse you're wearing," and the second one chimed in, "And I love what you've done with your hair."

The students asked the teacher if she knew what was going on. She sighed and said, "Well, these angles are supposed to be complementary, but I guess they don't know how to spell."