That jokes

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.

My history teacher asked my class what time they would go back to just to see what happened.

I said I'd go back to Hitler's childhood to tell him the lies that he becomes the ruler of the world by starting the Nazis, and leave his death out of the discussion.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Pierre Poilievre has lost the government position he had for 20 years.

Bet he wishes his mom HAD used that coat hanger.

I recently learned that it's politically incorrect to talk about taking part in a school shooting.

Apparently the term "school photos" is more acceptable.

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say "black paint."

You have to say, "Leroy, please paint that wall!"

If an Indian kid is conceived in incest, would that make them OMbred?

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."

They say there is power in numbers.

Tell that to the people in the Twin Towers.

If Canada had to apologise for Bryan Adams on several occasions, it's only fair that Americans are tortured and waterboarded for bringing Katy Perry and Carrie Underwood to the world!

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we shot the last one that had a dream.

Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?

They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Boys: “Hey, can Billy come out and play baseball?”

Mom: “That would be fine, but he hasn’t come out of his room since Friday.”

Boys: “Have you checked the closet?”