That jokes
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
Friday's opening is open. Religion: "Dark model?" Hopi, Kahan, Virra, Sayla, Salafa, Sales, Power, Sleep. Google is “that cave”.
An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."
Two men are sitting at a coffee table.
Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."
Joe: "Why do you say that?"
Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."
Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."
Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."
Did you hear about the Syrian guy that shot a bunch of people? He was Robert Kurd.
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.
Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga.
And 100% of men don’t care.
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.
Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
What do you call a German that can not see?
A Not-see.
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
For centuries the Catholic Church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings. You know what I call that?
"Chancel culture!"
My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.
The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"
Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.