You know that I drink water, right? I drink water because I am water. Water is water.
Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.
Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.
Me: How do you know that?
You are so skinny that they won't let you ride a fucking roller coaster because you flew before.
You tell your dad what one plus one is and he says five. You forgot that your dad's brain is on the floor.
Elementary school kids: School is fun.
Me: Yeah, yeah, just keep believing that.
If you don't like racist people, isn't that discrimination?
Comebacks when someone say: Bully: "Your teeth is so yellow that when you start smiling you slow down the traffic." Say: "At least its brighter than your future."
You are so fat that when you go out to check your letterbox, it measures 8 on the Richter scale.
Your mom is so ugly that even Medusa turned to stone from looking at her!
Your mom is so overweight that she broke the stairway to heaven.
"Why can’t you be comfortable with my own body?"
"I think you should ask yourself that."
What is an emo's most hated game? Hangman.
Because it's rubbing it in their face that they can't hang themselves.
Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?
Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.
Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?
Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.
Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What do you call a disabled person that can walk?
Enabled.
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Little Johnny's neighbor just had a baby. He got invited to dinner with his neighbor. Little Johnny's dad said if he mentioned "ears" he will get a spank.
So Johnny looked in the bassinet. They were talking about the new baby. Johnny's mum said, "What beautiful eyes."
"That is great," said little Johnny, "because he will be stuffed if he needed glasses."
A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.
The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.
After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.
Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"
Yo, your hairline is so small that you're bald.
Your hairline is so dusty that it got musty.
I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.
He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.
