Telephone jokes

Why can't Asian people use a telephone?

Because they might wing the wrong number.

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone. (Wing, wing, halo.)

What time do you call me tomorrow?

How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?

"No, you hang yourself first..."

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 and 976 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone, and money falls out.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.

What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?

Call 911.

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?

Hang in there!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

Yo mama's so fat, she used a telephone pole as a tampon.

Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...

I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.

Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.

When I try to call my friend, I can't get through because my name is Lin Kon, and the operator keeps saying, "Yes, Mr. President."

Best chick ever.

Call me at 6969696969.

Man from 2001 just called. They want a tower back.

Yo momma's so stupid, her family tree is a telephone pole.

Person: My left ear is ringing.

Friend: Then answer it!

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911?

She couldn't find the 11.

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"

Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "What do you think about that mad cow disease?"

The other replies, "Well I don't have to worry about it. You're talking to a telephone pole."