Surprise jokes
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.
I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"
What the fuck?
How to surprise a blind man: put a plunger in the toilet!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
Me: Hey Jim!
Jim: I'm now a cannibal.
Me: WAIT, JIM! N-
Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."
Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*
*Wakes up in an adoption center.*
Damn, it was those kind of papers.
Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.
Weird, he usually uses a sock.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
Wife: Honey, I love you.
Husband: I love you all.
Wife: Awww.......... Wait WHAT?!?!??!
Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.
Cow A: I slept with your sister!
Cow B: Never knew my brother was a girl!
All the other cows:
:O
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
A few kids were talking about how big their houses were. Kids were pointing to huge houses and huge apartments. One little boy said, "Bet I have the biggest home." To everyone's surprise, he pointed right towards the massive orphanage.
Oh, fuckshit, bitch, damn cocksucker.
Pussy, asshole, cunt.
Mother fuckin' dirty whore, shat onto my lunch.
Pisscunt, damn bitch, suck my dick.
Jesus Harold Christ!
Shit bitch, cocksucker, Goddamn motherfucker, pussy, asshole cunt!
My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.