I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
(P.S. I am not at that age plus I am as straight as a helix ruler.)
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Will you remember me in 7 years?
(Yes)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).
My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.
Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
why were the twin towers sad
they ordered dominos and got jets
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest completely full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
Kate: Can we have a threesome?
Trevor: Sure.
The lights go off and Trevor starts doing what he's supposed to be doing, and then he feels something going up his back end. He goes to punch the person behind him, but then he turns on the light, and it was Kate behind him, and he's been fucking the guy the whole time.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
So you get a new job, and here's something about this guy named Mike.
The next day you go into the office and Mike is sitting next to you, with unicorns and rainbows and stuff. Then, a co-worker comes up and says, "No one told you Mike was gonna be this GGGAAAAYYYYY *clap clap clap clap*."
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!
A seal walks into a club.
(Credit to Meme Machine)
What's the similarity between a 14-year-old girl and the fetus inside her? They're both thinking, "Oh fuck, mom is gonna kill me!"
The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."
