My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet SUPPLIES
I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.
Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.
"Correct," says the teacher.
The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"
Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.
"Correct again," says the teacher.
The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.
This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"
*on a date*
me - "I get to work with animals all day."
her - "How sweet! What do you do?"
me - "I'm a butcher."
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here". The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"
A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends I milk a cow and it took awhile for it to warm up and his brother came over and said we don't have cows we have Bulls
BU is the element of a surprise. Boo!
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy "What's going on here!?" He exclaims. The wife replies "See, I told you he was stupid."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
All of these jokes are so dark, I'm surprised cops haven't shot them.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
