Surprise jokes

A girl comes home and finds her dad and 4-year-old brother on the sofa. She says, "Dad, why is he wearing that face mask?"

The dad buckles his belt and says, "There's more for you, hunny."

What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."

My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

"SUPPLIES!"

I was both shocked and amazed to hear Stephen Hawking kicked the bucket.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"

Knock, knock. Who's there? You're adopted.

*on a date*

me - "I get to work with animals all day."

her - "How sweet! What do you do?"

me - "I'm a butcher."

Two guys are on the playground. One guy says to the other, "Did you know that Hellen Keller had a playground in her backyard?" The other guy said, "No." The first guy says, "Neither did she."

What's the hardest part of running through a field of dead babies?

My boner.

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

"BU" is the element of a surprise. Boo!

What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.