Stand jokes

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Stephen was a mad role model. He never taught me to stand up for myself.

He was in a fight, then a person said, "Stand up for yourself!"

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

One time there was a depressed man standing in the middle of a train track. A girl said, "Excuse me, can you move, please? I'm trying-" Then the man stopped her sentence and said, "How is your t-shirt so clean?" Then she said back, "Easy, hung it up."

Are you the Twin Towers? I can't stand you.

What do the initials CIA stand for?

Central Intelligence of A**holes.

What do the initials FBI stand for?

Federal Bureau of Idiots.

Why do gay people only stand crooked? Cuz they can’t be straight.

How do you make a hotdog stand? You take away its chair.

If there is a guy in a wheelchair and he is a bully, say, "I’m still standing."

A: What did the lawyer say to the amputee?

Q: You haven't got a leg to stand on.

I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"

He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up, and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up, so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

My teacher asked the class to stand up if you're dumb. No one did, so she said, "Come on, someone must be dumb," and pointed over to the left side of the classroom. Lil Jonny stands up. "Do you think you're dumb, Lil Jonny?" asked the teacher. "No, I just feel bad for you. You're the only one who stood up," replied Lil Jonny!

I always win arguments against my handicapped girlfriend; she can't stand for herself.

Why was the short person a coward? They didn't stand up to challenges.

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”

Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.