Stand jokes

Your forehead is so big I could stand on it.

What do you call an emo kid standing outside the mall?

Anything, he'll cry no matter what you say.

I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!

I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!

Stand in the corner.

What stands on the side of the road and needs a lot of money to buy?

Billboard, did you think I was gonna say street walker?

Me going to the principal's after telling the kid with a wheelchair to stand up for himself.

Your arms are open. They stretch towards me, Reaching, grabbing, pulling me, Surrounding me, Drowning me in my helplessness. Time standing still, inside here. Looking through windows, time passing by. Let me go, will ya?

Why couldn’t the bike stand up? Cuz it was too tired.

You know, people always tell you to stand up for yourself. Why didn't anyone tell the World Trade Center that? 🤔

Q: Why did the ballerina get kicked off the squad?

She was standing way too close to the dancers.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer.

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

Dad: Where is my son?

Son: Come join me with musical chairs, except we stand on them.

Dad: Ok, so do we put this round our neck?

Son: YES!

Mum: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

You’re so short, you could sweep under your bed while standing.

Must. Escape. Meme.

Existence is what meme stands for for some haters.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia.

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two or more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

Water bottles, strong, Standing tall, like sturdy men, Quenching every thirst.

Clear and transparent, Reflecting strength and resolve, Resilient and pure.

In hand, they offer Refreshing relief, like hugs, Soothing every soul.

Water bottles, like men, Nourish and hydrate our lives, Simple yet vital.

A chemical store burned down, and the firefighter just stood there, but at the end, the store fire just went out by itself. But the store owner still got angry.

Store owner: Why didn't you take out the fire?

Firefighter: Yeah, but it went out by itself.

Store owner: But still, why?

Firefighter: Your chemical store sells H20.

Store owner: Oh, I get it now!

Once I was in South Korea doing stand up comedy... and I started with a "hidden" joke and I said: "I'm so happy to be here in one of the most beautiful Korea's in the world..." which is a good joke but they didn't get it, and they looked at me badly... so I said "I'm here in the South which is more beautiful... South good, North booooooo." But still nothing, they kept glaring at me... then I realized that maybe I was in the wrong Korea.