Stand jokes

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they are standing.

I asked a person in a wheelchair if they wanted to fight. All I had to do is say, "Stand up!"

Why was the short person a coward? They didn't stand up to challenges.

When I went to heaven, I saw Steven Hawking standing there. I asked why he isn’t in heaven yet. He said there are stairs.

There was once a grandfather. He had very little hair, and he lived in a forest.

On his death bed, he was fully bald. So he told his children, "You see my head? I have no hair. All of my hair has been wiped, and I hope this forest doesn't experience the same. Children, every time a tree is cut in this forest, plant a new one in its place."

So for years, and to this day, that forest still stands, each tree being replanted. All because of an old man and his re-seeding hairline.

Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?

Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.

A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."

The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"

A man finds his son climbing the roof of his house. The kid kept using all sorts of material to climb up, but the dad didn't pay much attention.

Next day the kid went to the state tower and kept climbing using some adhesive gloves. The dad asks his son for a second time: "Son! Why are you doing this?" The son replies: "You told me to aim up high!"

A homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge.

A homeless man is walking along a road and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine," he says, "but before you do, can I ask a favor? I'm pretty down on my luck, and it's been a long time since I've felt the touch of a woman, so if it's all the same to you, would you have sex with me first?"

"Eww no, fuck off you creep!" the woman shouts back.

"Fine," the man says. "I'll just go wait at the bottom."

I stole a wheelchair from a disabled kid. What is he going to do, stand up?

The "M" and "D" in "orphan" stands for Mom and Dad.

Why are all women's feet small? So they can stand closer to the stove.

Twinkle, twinkle, there’s a car Coming like a shooting star.

I will stand in the way. I will not be seen again. Are you happy I am dead? Now you made it to the end.

What do you say to a crippled man getting bullied?

"Why not you stand up for yourself?"

Roses are red.

Your passports are blue.

Now go stand over there,

In that very long queue!

NASA stands for "Nobody Already Seen Astronauts."

What does the A stand for in "orphan, adopt" from the orphan company?

Boy: The F in orphan stands for family.

Orphan: But there’s no F in orphan.

Boy: Exactly!

What do the initials FEMA stand for?

Federal Erection Management Agency.

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and Elton John?

Elton John is still standing.