I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Speed Jokes
Why are cheetahs the best animals?
The cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world. They can reach a top speed of around 113 km per hour.
A cheetah can accelerate from 0 to 113 km in just a few seconds.
Cheetahs are extremely fast; however, they tire quickly and can only keep up their top speed for a few minutes before they are too tired to continue.
Cheetahs are smaller than other members of the big cat family, weighing only 45 – 60 kilograms.
One way to always recognize a cheetah is by the long, black lines which run from the inside of each eye to the mouth. These are usually called “tear lines,” and scientists believe they help protect the cheetah’s eyes from the harsh sun and help them to see long distances.
Cheetahs are the only big cat that cannot roar. They can purr though and usually purr most loudly when they are grooming or sitting near other cheetahs.
While lions and leopards usually do their hunting at night, cheetahs hunt for food during the day.
A cheetah has amazing eyesight during the day and can spot prey from 5 km away.
Cheetahs cannot climb trees and have poor night vision.
With their light body weight and blunt claws, cheetahs are not well designed to protect themselves or their prey. When a larger or more aggressive animal approaches a cheetah in the wild, it will give up its catch to avoid a fight.
Cheetahs only need to drink once every three to four days.
Who's the world's fastest reader?
9/11 victims. They went through 90 stories in 60 seconds.
Chuck Norris can make Minute Maid lemonade in 5 seconds.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.
What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
What runs faster than Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair?
His Internet.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.
He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.
He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.
Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
Who are the fastest readers?
911 victims, they went through 72 stories in less than 10 seconds.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
