Speed jokes
What runs faster than Stephen Hawking in his wheelchair?
His Internet.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
They said I couldn't drive.
Now they know I can't cause they are all dead.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
Why do animals have playing cards with foxes?
Because they’re a bunch of cheetahs!
When the Lego box says 6-99 years but you eat it in 20 minutes.
Superman was bored and wanted to go out. He called all his super friends, but they were all busy. He even calls Louis, but it's her time of the month.
He flies to the liquor store and buys some beer and gets drunk. As he is flying, he sees Wonder Woman naked on top of the roof. He starts thinking, "I will fly down and have sex with her sooooo fast," BURP, "that she won't know what happened," HICKUP.
He flies to her faster than the speed of light, BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG, and flies away with a smile. He passes out and crashed into a wall.
Wonder Woman jumps up and screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?"
The Invisible Man appears, holding his butt, and he gets off on Wonder Woman and says, "I don't know, but my butt hurts real bad."
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.
Driving on a road at night and hit a speed bump. Remember, there are no speed bumps... I hit Bambi!
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing a seat belt.
Who are the fastest readers?
911 victims, they went through 72 stories in less than 10 seconds.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
What's fast and almost got away?
A Mexican jumping the border.
Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What's black and red and goes 90 miles an hour? A baby in a blender!
My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Flash 40 years to run around her.