Sound jokes

What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.

I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.

What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.

Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.

Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?

Because everything they do is in vein.

Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.

What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?

The Windows shutdown sound plays.

What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.

You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.

Person: Uh okay.

You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?

Person: Addicted.

You: What hit you in the face last night?

Person: Addicted... *laughs*

(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")

I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.

What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?

Rrrrrapeit!

What goes zzub-zzub?

A bee flying backwards.

What gets louder as it gets smaller?

A baby in a trash compactor.

I named my horse Mayo.

Mayo neighs.