What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
What goes zzub-zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
