Sound jokes
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.
I bought a wooden whistle. But it wouldn't whistle, so I bought a steel whistle. But it still wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle, but it still wouldn't lead me to whistle.
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What goes zzub-zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.