Sound jokes
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
What is black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.
Why do self-harmers "draw" on their arms?
Because everything they do is in vein.
Punchline: "Vain" sounds similar to "Vein".
What did the sex offender frog say to the other sex offender frog when a hot frog passed them?
Rrrrrapeit!
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies?
The Windows shutdown sound plays.
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
You: Say "addicted" after everything I say.
Person: Uh okay.
You: When you're obsessed with candy you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: When you're obsessed with drugs you are...?
Person: Addicted.
You: What hit you in the face last night?
Person: Addicted... *laughs*
(It's supposed to sound like "A dick did")
What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
One says “Ribbit, Ribbit” and the other says “Rub it, Rub it”.
I hate child murderers, they're always so high-pitched.
What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A baby in a trash compactor.
What goes zzub-zzub?
A bee flying backwards.
I named my horse Mayo.
Mayo neighs.