What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fsh.
The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"
I saw this one quote: "The people who smile the most are covering the most pain." I think this is true, just not with everyone. As I am really depressed and act like myself with my friends, but with my parents and family, I force a smile so they don't worry more than they do.
I did a test for my therapy session to see what level of depression I had. It came back with severe, 22/24, but I asked her to tell my mum it came back as moderate, saying I would tell her that my depression got worse. She went along with it, but I haven't told my mum and I now make things sound like I aren't as messed up as I truly am to my therapist.
How do cows laugh?
Moo-haha.
What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
moo.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No silly, cows go moo!
What's a fish's least favorite instrument?
A ClariNET!
Spell 'Imap' and say 'ness' at the end.
What do you call a running chicken?
Scared.
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt, quack!
I love rap!
What is a tuba plus tuba? -- Fourba.
Bad cows, bad cows, whatcha gonna moo?!
A mouse is just like a ball bearing.
Drench them in oil, and they stop squeaking.
Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? I would too if all I heard was "daaaaaaah!"
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
