Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."
Yo mama is so fat, she goes to the beach to sell shade.
Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.
The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.
So I treat everyone like garbage.
Your mama is so fat, when she went camping, the bears hid their food from her.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik’s cubes?
Because they have a history of separating colors.
Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?
Because they go down so well.
So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
Why is an orphan so scared of the dark?
They don't have a dad to check the closet.
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.
A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.
Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
‘BJ Titsngolf’
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
You're so poor you wash paper plates.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
I'm so gay I could barely think straight.
