Yo mama is so fat, she goes to the beach to sell shade.
The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself.
So I treat everyone like garbage.
Yo mama so fat that when she crossed the road, people mistook her for a roundabout.
Your mama is so fat, when she went camping, the bears hid their food from her.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
Why are Americans so good at solving Rubik’s cubes?
Because they have a history of separating colors.
Why do people keep on making jokes about the twin towers?
Because they go down so well.
Life would be so much easier if grass was emo.
Because it would cut itself.
So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”
A proud new dad sits down with his own father.
His father says, "Son, you now have a child of your own, so I think it's time I gave you this." And so, he pulls out a book: 1001 Dad Jokes.
The young man says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi, Honored, I'm Dad."
Why is an orphan so scared of the dark?
They don't have a dad to check the closet.
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.
A guy starts chatting to a pretty woman at a party.
Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said, warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said, looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
‘BJ Titsngolf’
So I was mining off the coast of Canada and one of my coworkers found gold. I said, "AU, bring that over here!"
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones that go to school.
A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.
Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.
You're so poor you wash paper plates.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
I'm so gay I could barely think straight.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
