My friend asked, "What's that on your arm?" I replied, "Oh, this? I didn't have enough storage on my phone to download Fruit Ninja so I had to improvise a little bit."
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
"Hey, today was great."
"What happened?"
"I ran into my ex today."
"What's so great about that?"
"I was in my car."
Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy.
But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.
In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.
Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?
So sad when the emo kid tried to give a high five to a tree.
Too bad he left him hanging.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
Why do orphans play GTA? So they can be wanted.
They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.
Who's the fastest reader?
Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.
I broke up with my girlfriend, so I stole her wheelchair, and guess who came crawling back.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."
Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."
Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."
