SOS Jokes

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex! We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.

Yo mama is so stupid, she shoved two double A batteries up her butt and said, “I’ve got the power!”

Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:

The guy says, "I'm a fireman."

The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"

The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."

The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Yo mama so fat, she was the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

So the teacher goes up to you and says, "I'm going to call your parents." Me: "Good luck finding them."

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

Your mama is so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company.

"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."

- Charlie Chaplin

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

My son asked me how I'm so clean, "inside out." I told him because of bleach. The next day, I found him drinking the bleach.

There is this celebrity everybody thought was so down to earth. That was until he hung himself.

Yo mama so fat that when I banged her in the jacuzzi, there was a level 8 tsunami.

You're so ugly that everytime you look up in the sky, God says, "Sorry, can't help you."

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!