Why did Severus Snape cross the road wearing an invisibility cloak?
So no one would know what side he was on.
Your mum's vagina is so ravenous, that last night we both ended up on the living room floor, with her on top. She was eating my creamy young face off.
Your mom's ass is so petite and big, I'd pound that till the Earth shakes.
About to go on a date.
But she was late.
So I got some tape.
And eventually punished her with rape.
Your mom smells so bad she could stun a horse in a field.
I'm so bored and miserable, that I have sex with my inflatable girlfriend every night.
The best part? She don't talk back.
Why is a ghost so predictable?
Because you can see right through it.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, because they're so DARN STUPID!!!!
Why was Helen Keller so bad at driving?
Because she's a woman.
Your hairline is so far gone that you could build a runway.
Your hairline is so far back that it looks like Putin's tanks steamrolled through.
Yo momma's so fat, her shirt size has more X's than Taylor Swift.
I was going to make a bulimia joke, but suddenly it just felt so empty.
It's good that Canada doesn't have the death sentence for treason anymore.
Danielle Smith is so fucking fat she'd get stuck in the gallows.
How names were named.
"I have to go because my tailor is at the gym where he will chase coal before dawn."
"SAY THAT AGAIN. SO MANY GOOD NAMES!"
If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:
So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
