SOS jokes

You're so skinny that a Wi-Fi signal is stronger.

Your forehead is so big, explorers mistakenly thought it was Mount Everest.

Your forehead is so big, they used it for the Berlin Wall and the USA border.

Your hairline goes so far back that it has no records of it happening in history.

Your hairline goes so back that it’s ingrained in history.

Your hairline is receding so hard, they petitioned it to change for the McDonald's logo.

The president of the USA is so damn stupid. His mother must have taken Tylenol while she was pregnant with him, or something.

Siri is so ugly that she needs to go in the dumpster. She's so ugly that she needs to go in the toilet.

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.

I got told I'm too mean and that I need to think before I speak. So now I take a couple minutes and think of what will REALLY piss the other person off.

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

Yo Momma so hairy, she has to shampoo her armpits.

Why do witches wear name tags?

So they know which witch is which!

Yo mama so fat...

...people in Florida start buying flood insurance when they see her waddling toward the ocean.

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

Yo momma so slutty, she could use a tank truck as a dildo.