Old people kept saying "you're next" to me at weddings, so I started saying it to them at funerals.
Why was the ant so confused? Because all his uncles were ants.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
I got arrested for raping a girl. Its so unfair, i really thought she was dead.
Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.
Friend: Want to play Fall Guys?
Friend 2: Yup.
Friend: Ok, so let me ju- wait, where are you going?
Friend 2: I'm gonna jump off.
Friend: Why?
Friend 2: We are playing Fall Guys, right?
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
Why is the thief so good at basketball? Because he can shoot, steal, and run.
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
Yo mama so fat when she jumped in the water, the whales started singing "We are a family, even though you fatter than me."
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
"Oh daddy," the kid said. "I love you so much!"
"Hey," the man responded. "Until we get the DNA test results, I'm just Harry to you!"
So there was this kid being bullied by four other kids. I decided to step in.
He didn’t stand a chance against the five of us.
Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"
Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only cums once a year.
I got a pen for my baby sister. Best trade I made so far.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Your dad is gay, so are you.
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
An orphan girl wanted a family so she was raped until pregnant. Problem solved.
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon rotate around the earth for 24 hours, so they just called it a "day".
