New Sleep Jokes - Page 11 - Worst Jokes Ever

What do you call Jamieilyah when she is sleeping?

Sleeping Beauty.

POV: 11:07 PM At night, reading these when you notice that, like everyone else, you have no life.

Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.

If depression on crack fucked weed and 69 hours of not sleeping and had a baby with huge amounts of autism, that would be me.

It’s raining, it’s pouring. The old man is snoring. He got shot in the head and didn’t wake up in the morning.

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."

How do you make a child’s parents happy?

Put the child to sleep.

My ex died in an anchorage accident.

She always was a sleeping hooker.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

Kenny's favorite part of living in his mom's basement is sleeping with the landlady.

What question can you never answer yes to?

Answer: Are you asleep yet?

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

I played catch with my friends, but they keep going to sleep when I throw it.

Q) Why did the uncle sleep with his own nephew?

A) Cuz the boy wouldn't stop talking about Donald Trump every single weekend.

What is the continent that ALWAYS sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and that is so tired that it won’t wake up? Eur-ope.

Your Friend: Bro, I'm having a movie sleepover tonight. I've invited 17 people, wanna come?

You: Yeah, but why so many people?

Your Friend: Because the DVD says only 18+ viewers.

You: Dude!!!!

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and asked him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

“I still don't get it,” responded Little Johnny. “Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then...good night,” said Little Johnny and went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!"